David Frost: Are you really saying the President can do something illegal?
Richard Nixon: I'm saying that when the President does it, it's *not* illegal!
Richard Nixon: [after being told that one of the interview segments will be about "Nixon the man"] Nixon the man? As opposed to what? Nixon the horse?
Bob Zelnick: [Doing his Nixon impersonation] That Jack Kennedy, he screwed anything that moved. He had a go at Checkers once, and that poor bitch was never the same after that.
Vanessa Loring: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno MacGuff: Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff: I'm at suicide risk.
Leah: Juno?
Juno MacGuff: No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants...
Rollo: You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!
Juno MacGuff: Yeah, I'm a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale.
Paulie Bleeker: I still have your underwear.
Juno MacGuff: I still have your virginity.
Bren: Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
Mark Loring: Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.
Juno MacGuff: She gave you... your own room in... in your whole house? For your... for your stuff? Wow, she's got you on a long leash, Mark.
Juno MacGuff: Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active." What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?
Juno MacGuff: I am giving you the gift of life, screaming, pooping life, and you don't even have to be there when it comes out all covered in blood and guts
[Jack removes Marion's glasses]
Marion: I can't see you. I could be having sex with Gregory Peck or something.
Jack: Well, good for you.
Marion: It's not your dick that's too big for French condoms. It's your ego that's too big for French condoms. And... and Italian, too.
Jack: Can I use this thermometer?
[puts it in the mouth]
Marion: I usually don't use this one in the mouth. I mean...
Jack: Oh, come on! What is wrong with you?
Marion: What? It's a french thermometer.
Jack: Are you 5? You still use the thermometer up your ass?
Bill McCabe: And the funny thing is, when you desire something you immediately get into trouble. And when you're in trouble you don't desire anything at all.
Sheriff: Why do women exist?
Ned: Nothing like a machine to make a man feel insignificant.
Dennis McCabe: My father's a womanizer. He's a married man and he stood you up.
Elina: You have no respect for your father.
Dennis McCabe: I don't know him. But I respect his taste in women.
Elina: So then go make love to your mother.
Charlie Martin: How old will you be? On your birthday?
Norman: A hundred and three.
Charlie Martin: Ms. Appley had a birthday. She turned 97.
Ethel: Do you hear that Norman? Ninety-seven!
Norman: [referring to the fact that Ms. Appley was a lesbian] There's something to be said for a deviant lifestyle!
Billy Ray: So, I heard you turned 80 today.
Norman: Is that what you heard?
Billy Ray: Yeah. Man, that's really old.
Norman: You should meet my father.
Billy Ray: Your father's still alive?
Norman: No, but you should meet him.
Bill:How does it feel to turn 80?
Norman: Twice as bad as it did turning 40.
Bill: Norman?
Norman: Huh?
Bill:Do you mind if I call you Norman?
Norman: I believe you just did.
Norman: I guess I'd be...delighted to have you abuse my daughter under my own roof. Would you like the room where I first violated her mother? Or would you be interested in the master bedroom? Ethel, your boy and I could sleep out back.You could do it right here on the hearth. Like that?
Billy Ray: A canoe! Just like the Indians used.
Norman: Actually, the Indians used a different grade of aluminum.
Thomas Fairchild: He's still David Larrabee, and you're still the chauffeur's daughter. And you're still reaching for the moon.
Sabrina Fairchild: No, father. The moon is reaching for me.
Baron St. Fontanel: A woman happily in love, she burns the soufflé. A woman unhappily in love, she forgets to turn on the oven.
Thomas Fairchild: Democracy can be a wickedly unfair thing Sabrina. Nobody poor was ever called democratic for marrying somebody rich.
Thomas Fairchild: [reading a letter from Sabrina] ... I decided to be sensible the other day and tore up David's picture. Could you please airmail me some Scotch tape?
David Larrabee: It's all beginning to make sense. Mr.Tyson owns the sugarcane. You own the formula for the plastics. And I'm supposed to be offered up as a human sacrifice on the altar of the industrial progress. Is that it?
Linus Larrabee: You make it sound so vulgar, David, as if the son of hot dog dynasty were being offered in marriage to the daughter of the mustard king. Surely, surely you don't object to Elizabeth Tyson just because her father happens to have twenty million dollars? That's very narrow minded of you, David.
David Larrabee: There's just one thing you overlooked. I haven't proposed and she hasn't accepted.
Linus Larrabee: Oh don't worry. I proposed and Mr.Tyson accepted.
David Larrabee: Did you kiss him?
Oliver Larrabee: I'm not saying that all Larrabees have been saints. Thomas Larrabee was hung for piracy. There was Benjamin Larrabee who was a slave trader. And there was my great-great uncle Joshua Larrabee who was shot while attempting to rob a train. But there was never a Larrabee who has behaved as you, David Larrabee, have behaved tonight!
David Larrabee: What have I done now, Father?
Turk: You don't become a cop because you want to serve and protect. You join the force because they let you carry a gun and a badge. You do it because you get respect.
Turk: Most people respect the badge. Everyone respects the gun.
Rooster: You thought I'd get my dick cut off but instead you blew it.
Rooster: My favorite part, the batter's out but the runners advance at their own risk. That's the way life should be, you can be a motherfucker at your own risk... or not.
Curtis Taylor Jr.: Deena, you know why I chose you to sing lead? Because your voice... has no personality. No depth. Except for what I put in there.
Effie Melody White: It's about fairness, Curtis. It's about people paying their dues. Isn't that what you keep telling me? "Get in line, Effie. Wait your turn". So why am I sitting here without so much as a B-side on a 45, when an amateur like Martin Luther King Jr. gets his own freaking album? I mean, can he even sing?
C.C. White: Isn't music supposed to express what people are feeling?
Curtis Taylor Jr.: Music is supposed to sell.
Lorrell Robinson: It doesn't take a whiz to know that only a desperate man would drop his pants in living color on national television!
May: I'm amazed, Mr. Taylor. As much as I love my daughter, I never thought she had much of a voice.
Curtis Taylor Jr.: Oh, Deena has something better. She has a...quality.
May: You make her sound like a product.
Curtis Taylor Jr.: A product. I like that!
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