A girl walked into the computer center where I work. She said she was having problems with her Mac. I asked what kind of Mac she had. In an indignant voice, she replied, "Duh, Intosh."
* Tech Support: "What operating system are you running? Windows 95?"
* Customer: (a little too excited) "95, 97, 98, I've got them all!"
After conferring with her husband, it turned out she owned a Macintosh with System 8.1.
* Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you running?"
* Customer: "I got the computer in 2003, so I think it's a Windows 2003. Or maybe it's a Windows 2004? I got it late in the year."
* Tech Support: "Um, ok."
* Customer: "Is that wrong?"
* Tech Support: "No, no, that sounds about right. Tell me, would you know what service pack you have for that?"
* Customer: "Well, when I got to the register, the young man who rang me up said was about the 5th person to buy it. So it might be service pack 5."
One time I had to walk a Windows 95 user through a particular procedure.
* Me: "First you need to open DOS-prompt. I'll guide you--"
* Customer: "MY COMPUTER DOES NOT HAVE DOS! YOU THINK I RUN THAT ANCIENT SOFTWARE?" (click)
* My Friend: "I just installed Windows 98."
* Me: "Cool. But...it's 2001. Why not Windows 2000 or wait for XP to come out?"
* My Friend: "Oh, 98 is more easily hacked, so I want it."
* Me: "You want to get hacked?"
* My Friend: "Yes! Wouldn't you?"
* Me: "No...."
* My Friend: "When you get hacked you get a lot of money! That's a good thing!"
* Me: "???"
* My Friend: "What's your operating system?"
* Me: "Linux."
* My Friend: "You better uninstall it!"
* Me: "Why?"
* My Friend: "The government uses Linux to look through your computer and see your every move. They use it as a security camera into your world."
* Me: "Sure...."
* Friend: "I heard about this thing called 'Linux'."
* Me: "Oh, I use Linux."
* Friend: "What is it?"
* Me: "An operating system."
* Friend: "Like Firefox?"
* Student: "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"
* Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
* Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
* Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
* Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed."
* Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?"
* Me: "Make sure all windows are closed."
* Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here."
Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!
One day I got a call toward the end of the day from a sales rep in Chicago who couldn't get his computer to boot up. We went round and round for about two hours -- nothing worked. I was ready to pull my hair out, but I don't like losing. To lighten the tension of the moment, I started chitchatting with him as we're waiting to see if the machine will restart. He has an IBM ThinkPad, and I told him how much I like mine.
* Him: "Yeah, they're ok, but I travel a lot, and I got tired of the darn thing being so heavy, so I installed Windows CE to make it lighter."
I was calling to sign up with a new DSL provider. When the guy asked what operating system I was using, I said, "Linux." I was put on hold for five minutes, and then a supervisor came back and told me, "You can't use Linux to connect to the Internet. It's a hacker tool, anyway." I almost fell out of my chair.
In about 1993, Cambridge University had a few rooms of 486s, for use by members of the University. You could get into the rooms at any time of day if you had a key, and the site security would walk around every hour or so at night.
One policy, introduced after a few too many noisy games of network Doom, was that playing games wasn't allowed. One evening, however, I saw someone using eXceed (an X-Windows server for Microsoft Windows) to run Motif. Apparently he was doing something on one of the UNIX machines over the network. The security guard came up behind him, and the conversation went something like this:
* Security Guard: "Could you stop that -- you're not allowed to play games in here."
* Student: "This isn't a game."
* Security Guard: "You can't fool me. That's not work."
* Student: "Yes, it is. I'm a computer science student -- I've got a deadline later this week."
* Security Guard: "That doesn't look like work to me. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
* Student: "What? I'm working. I'm working quietly. Why do I have to leave?"
* Security Guard: "You're playing a game, and you're lying to me. Out. Now. Before I turn this machine off."
Even the other two people in the room couldn't persuade the security bloke that it wasn't a game.
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